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「変身/The Metamorphosis」〈Chapter 1: 目覚め/Awakening〉

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「変身/The Metamorphosis」〈第1章 目覚め〉 いつもと同じ朝だった。退屈ならまだしも、自分を歓迎していない世界への気まずい参入、薄く濁った絶望の中への息の詰まる潜水のような物憂い目覚めだ。世界の方が自分を発見せずにいてくれたらどんなに良いかと思うが、朝の光は彼を放って置いてはくれなかった。昨日帰ってくるなりソファに倒れ込んだものだから、疲れを取るのに万全な状態での眠りではなかった。昨日の疲れと服を引きずって迎える朝は、周回遅れのレースを思わせる。もう追いつけないとわかりきっている。それでも降りられない螺旋を息を切らして上る自分がいた。  そのような生活を続けていると自分ですら自分に親しみを持てなくなり、鏡に映る自分を見ても誰なのかすぐにはわからなくなることがある。その朝、彼が鏡に映る醜い化け物を見て、それが自分の姿だとわからなかったのも無理のないことだ。しかし、感覚のない左手の先にだらりと垂れ下がる無意味な肉の塊を彼は自分の目ではっきりと見ることができた。それはずっと以前から役に立っていなかったものがいよいよその無用さを顕現したかのようだった。彼は感覚の残っている右手で自分の顔に触れてみた。自分で自分に触れているはずなのに、触れている自分だけがいて触れられた自分がいないような奇妙な非対称があった。  どのくらいそうした混濁した時間の淀みにいたか知らないが、部屋をノックする音で世界が彼に切迫した現実感を突きつけていることに気がついた。職場の先輩だろうか。敵意のある強張ったノック音から彼を心配してやってきたのではないことは確かだ。彼の頭の中には、実際にそうされるよりも前にすでに先輩の怒鳴りが上演され始めていた。そしてその時、彼の動物的本性は決まって逃走でも闘争でもなく硬直を選択して事態を徒らに長引かせることになるのだ。  そうした想像が彼の頭の中を占めると、今度は自身の容姿に起こった変化のことはすっかり忘れてしまっているのだった。彼は自分が受けることになる叱責と非難の最もひどいものを想像することで準備をすると、扉を開けた。現実は想像よりもずっとひどいものだった。彼の姿を目にした先輩は、何の釈明をも待たずに踵を返して逃げ去ってしまったのだ。叱責や非難は耐えがたいが免罪の方便でもあった。今やその機会を失った彼は、同時に自身の姿の取り返しのつかない変化を思い出すと、再び鏡を覗き込み、その奥に永遠に続く苦悩が自分のものであることをゆっくりと時間をかけて理解していった。 The Metamorphosis Chapter 1: Awakening It was the same morning as always. It was the same morning as usual: boredom, an awkward entry into a world that didn't welcome him, a choking dive into thin, murky despair. He wished the world hadn't found him, but the morning light wouldn't leave him alone. He had collapsed on the couch as soon as he got home last night, so he hadn't been in the best condition to catch up on sleep. The morning was reminiscent of a lapped race as he dragged his clothes and fatigue from yesterday. He knows he can never catch up. Still, He found himself climbing up the spiral that he could not descend, gasping for breath.  After such a long life, even he becomes unfamiliar with himself, and sometimes when he looks at himself in the mirror, he does not immediately recognize who he is. It was no wonder that he did not recognize himself when he saw the ugly creature in the mirror that morning. However, he could clearly see with his own eyes the useless lump of flesh hanging sluggishly at the end of his numb left hand. It was as if something that had been useless for a long time had finally manifested its uselessness. He touched his face with his right hand, which still had some feeling left in it. He touched himself, but there was a strange asymmetry, as if there was only the touching self and not the touched self.  He didn't know how long he had been in this muddled stagnation of time, but a knock on his door made him realize that the world was confronting him with an urgent sense of reality. It was probably a senior colleague from work. He was sure from the hostile tone of the knock that it wasn't someone who was worried about him. His mind had already started playing out his senior's yelling before he actually did so. And at that moment, his animal nature would choose not to flee or fight, but to stiffen and prolong the situation.  As these thoughts occupied his mind, he completely forgot about the transformation that had taken place in his appearance. He prepared himself by imagining the worst of the scolding and criticism he would receive and opened the door. The reality was much worse than he had imagined. When the senior colleague saw him, he turned on his heel and ran away without waiting for any explanation. The reprimands and accusations were unbearable, but they were also a way to exonerate himself. Now that he had lost the opportunity to do so, and at the same time remembered the irrevocable change in his own appearance, he looked into the mirror again and slowly understood, slowly and over time, that the eternal torment behind it was his own. Directed, Performed and Written by Kohei Takayama Director of Photography: Shota Kikuchi Lighting Director: Yuto Aoki
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2021-12-05 21:49:53
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